"Complicated Process ,Simple Answer ~

My friend ask me one question before: "hey Big Bro.. had a girlfriend already ?"

I normally would say: "yup... i had....but i haven't found her... HaHa."

Usually end up to be a comedy scene for my friends that instance.

Now again .. my other friends ask me the same question.

"Hey bro.. so long already.. had a girlfriend already?"

This question no longer be a comedy scene anymore... it's my nightmare now...

"No... i never have any"

"haha.. don't joke la big bro.. you so nice and handsome.. sure got girlfriend already."

I can only throw back a question to him :

"Couple around our age always sms or call each others for almost everyday...Do i seem busy replying people ?"

I do not know why happen to me now... Especially my friend tell me one true fact.. one truth that really hurts my feeling... one truth that can make me really cry out.

"Behind everyone successful man, was a woman.

So Kwang Shun... you should have find a woman already"

I couldn't say anything that time... i was hurt.. 

I never going to search for girlfriend ever again. This thing is  a good , sweet romantic memory for others.. but not me.. not anymore..

This is already turn from a good memory to a haunted memory, a nightmare.This terrible nightmare happens for so many times till i can't even dare to close up my eyes.

For so many times.. i was just a stupid, idiot brainless admirer...

reasons to reject every times was just a very pure explanation.

For everything i have done.. i was just a friend...

Yup.I am a good friend and good friend only.

But..

i never going to break any relations.... i couldn't do it. Even i see my friend success in theirs and i admit I'm really jealous of them.. i so wish i could let them share the same fate as mine.

But one thing appears in my mind: If they really pay more to get this... then they deserve to have it....

In order to avoid all these pain through my sight. What I can do .. is just keep myself away from them..

Any couple appear on sight, then flee i shall.   

I not going to hurt myself through my eyes and ears anymore.

So everyone close by.. i only can say: please... i don't need any relationship .. i don't want  you say you like me now..then when i wanna act.. then you say is too late.. you have your own dream guy.. or something else..

no..

not happening anymore...

My family tree will going to end here.Those who knew.. they'll know what i mean...  Simple Answer

~ Big Brother... is leaving Penang... ~

Well.. my eldest brother is going to leave Penang to Petaling Jaya.. to work in the MOST POPULAR CLINIC'S IN WHOLE KUALA LUMPUR ! Clinic Mediviron
HQ , Seapark...

Even though most of the time.. he is quite annoying, irritating, disturbing..
now he is going to leave... i feel like hard to accept this facts..
Most of the time... he never leaves Penang... Now he depart there to work  while my Aunt  promises to renovate this current house, which i have stay for 17 years and his 33 years....

Well... it's ok actually... i used to be alone for sometime... Now is never an obstacle for me as well. 

He is the most precious one to our grandmas... compare to other brothers...he is the first child in our generation


haha... He is blessed... but i cannot say that i'm damned.. 


I hoped for this day long enough... for his leave... This is his longest leave.. i think...
I certainly wish the best for him. I surely do.. we all do...

~Let the New Era Begin.....~

I know i never was a smart student... i never perform well in my studies after i go to secondary school... 

Some how.. i wonder before.. am i really just lucky ? haha.. maybe... or just i'm too lazy after coming to Secondary school...

Now.. i 'm already in form 6.. this is my last chance to proof myself , that i am ready to be a Student for University.

Even my first school test.. the result aren't so good.. but it ends here... working hard to proof that this is just a mistake , and before this is just of my laziness..   Who said i cannot study? I was just lazy...  ^^

~ Death = Different Angle ~

Losing someone we love or we care.. is very stressful, sad... and mostly feeling lost.

Is like... tearing yourself apart. I know the feeling.


In only 4 years time, i lost my 2 grandmas and my grandpa.

They were like my real parents. They taking care of me since i was 4years old. But how i treat them... is a sin to me. I cannot stand the pain that they left me. I lost my support power. Years passes.. then come another lost again and again.


Until last year, Year 2009. December  7th. I lost a friend... a friend that i can call as my brother. A very strange things happen since then... I barely can listen to his voice. 


He told me not to worry to much for him. He feeling so light, no burden at all. He is watching over us from another angle and later from another place. A better place. I told him go to the God's Light.... He said he will be going soon after the funeral ends.. It is such a strange phenomenon.. i talk with him that few days... After the funeral, he told me it is time to go.. after that i didn't hear his voice anymore.



That day onward.. i believe.. when people pass away.. they don't actually leave us... they still watching over us from another place... a better,  a different angle...

~Let the new Hope Shine Once more ~

Well... holiday started already.... Is just after the most terrifying school test... i have already known my standard for this exam.. i really disappointed with what i get...i feel that i fell into the deepest pit of Tartarus... deeper than hell I went to.

But somehow... My friends didn't give up on me.Supporting pillars... Rains of hopeful stars...Flames of caring  ... all coming in, one-by-one like legions of flying dove carrying letters to me. Overwhelming my message box. My fingers were so tired.

I falling down like falling from the sky like a meteor.
Pain.... despair....ouch...

But now... i have stand up once more, like the Sun,  rises again in the next day. Even though lots and lots of devil , unwanted, unexpected people, consists of people, incident, news, informations always pull me down into the pit.

Yes.. i'm not a perfect person. I may fall again.. but that doesn't matter. The only matter is how fast can i regain my strenght to fight for my path to success.

Thanks to Bob, KokWai, Zixian, Laychia, Joo Tiew. Your support might have the temperary effects for me... but your faith on me never shattered before.
Thank you guys for your support all the time.. i'm have many problemss all these time that make me lost my way...
Now the way has been found once more.

I know this time.. this exam , many feel disappointed.. It's ok.. we will have a better tomorrow.

Let the New Hope Shine Once More !!

~ What I felt... What i see...What I am ~

当男人爱上一个女人，他就不会再爱上任何一个人。当这段感情失败后，他会把这段记忆放在心里，把这个女人放在心底。无论以后他遇到的女人多么优秀，他也不会改变。男人的爱一辈子只会付出一次，一个男人失败的真爱，会伴随他的一生。

When a man loves a woman, he would not again fall in love with any one person. When this feeling after the failure of the memory on the mind he would put this woman on the bottom of my heart. After he met a woman no matter how good, he will not change. A man's love of a lifetime to pay only once, a man failed love, accompanied by his life.

I believe this is true... I have fail once before... until now.. i have never success since then...

Useless... Hopeless... Worthless... Reckless....

Haha.. this is who i was... this is who i am.. this is who i will be.. This is me... as always..

~ I also don't know why ~

I'm not entao .. i know. This issue is not we want eh.. this when we birth like that.. means like tat liao eh..

i'm not good at study .. myself.. i know it eh.. no need you mention i also know.

What ever i do.. i also wrong eh.. i know ! You are elder ma ! You always right eh !!!
You older ma ! You always right eh !
What ever things... i told you.. even is people's fault at first.. you also say is my fault eh ! I know that !

You WERE from Amway , so what ?!
you supposely a Master Doctor in Herbalogy but because of my dad... so what ?!
all i know is just one thing - You were right and we always wrong... especially me.. i'm always wrong !

Yeah ! I can't study eh ! I no use eh ! I'm the youngest eh ! i no experience eh ! i cannot earn money eh ! I only know how to spend money nia eh  ! Ya ! You are right ! I'm useless eh ! I cannot independence eh ! i NEED you all to take care of me eh !

This i cannot do.. that i cannot do.. all need your permission ! But your answer is no ! What the fucking reason i ask from you ?

I'm going out with friends... you said i go waste money with stupid friends...
I go train my kadet, you said me like to do all these useless eh training, no sporting
I go out for sports games, you say i always go out, not at home...
I stay at home, you said i so useless keep facing PC, don want to learn someting new.
I go work, you say me work smart no use
I invest , You say me invest wrong place, wasting time.
i keep money, you say me no brain, why don't go invest ...

Why other people have a happy , rasional , thoughtful family while i only have this fucking , bloody , problematic, love-to-blame eh family !

I hate everyone of you !

~ Well Done my Brother ~

My brother playing forex for more than 3 years...
He finally get himself on top 5 last December competition. He get number 3.
I fell so proud of you brother !


http://fxghosthand.blogspot.com/


You have done a very good job !

Bloody Hell !

What the heck ? So useless  ! I can't believe it !

I study for so...
i din sleep !
Lack of sleep !
Tired !
That 2 test paper... i know how to answer  !

but...

but.....

but my answers are all wrong... my expectation of 50%.. i only get so low...

another paper... i study it for the most.. but..
yes.. so low... my marks are so low.. even myself don't believe i get this.. even KOKWAI oso get 63%.....

God.... where am i now ? I need to work harder next time... mark my word Chaos Caesar !

~ Frostmourne Hungers ! ~

My Blade finally come liao !
My fencing gears and set finally come liao.

Happy ^ ^

My fencing suit ,  glove, mask and most important --- My blade...

My Blade, glove, and Mask  ^^

I'm ready ~

Frostmourne Hunger ~

haha

~ Everyone is down down down...~

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, down,

Even if the sky is falling down,
Down, down

Ooh (ohhh)

You oughta know, tonight is the night to let it go,

Put on a show, i wanna see how you lose control,

So leave it behind cause we, have a night to get away,

So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.

So baby dont worry, you are my only,

You wont be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,

Youll be my only, no need to worry,

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, Down,

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, Down,

Even if the sky is falling down,

Just let it be, come on and bring your body next to me,

Ill take you away, hey, turn this place into our private getaway,

So leave it behind cause we, have a night to get away,

So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape,

(So why dont we run away)

So baby dont worry, you are my only,

You wont be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,

Youll be my only, no need to worry,

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, Down,

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, Down,

Even if the sky is falling down,

Even if the sky is falling down like she supposed to be,

She gets down low for me,
Down like her temperature, cause to me she zero degree,

She cold, overfreeze,

I got that girl from overseas,

Now she my miss America,

now can i be her soldier please,

Im fighting for this girl,

Im a battlefield of love,

Dont it look like baby cupid sent his arrows from above,

Dont you ever leave the side of me,

Indefinitely, not probably,

and honestly im down like the economy,

Yeahhhhhh.....

So baby dont worry, you are my only,

You wont be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,

Youll be my only, no need to worry,

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, Down,

Baby are you down down down down down,

Down, Down,

Even if the sky is falling down...

Everyone is very very down recently... what is happening... everyone is not telling me... perhaps something happens...

~你心中这个特别的朋友是谁? ~

在你心中有这样的一个人吗？你们可能相爱过，你们也可能喜欢着彼此…但是，为了什么原因你们没能在一起？
也许他为了朋友之间的义气，不能追你。
也许他为了顾及家人的意思，你们没有在一起。
也许你们相遇太早，还不懂珍惜对方。
也许你们回头太迟，对方已不在等待。
也许你们相遇太晚，你们身边已有了另一个人。
也许你们在捉摸对方的心，而迟迟无法跨出界线。

不过即使你们没在一起，你们还是保持了朋友的关系。但你们心底清楚，对这个人，你比对朋友还多了一份关心。即使不能名正言顺的牵着手去逛街，你们还是可以做无所不谈的朋友。他有喜欢的人，你口头上会祝福他，但心里却不是很清楚，你是不是真的希望他追到。他遇到困难时，你会尽你所能的帮他，不会计较谁欠了谁。男女朋友吃醋了，你会安慰他们说你和他只是朋友。但你心中会有那么一丝的不确定。每个人一辈子，心中都有一个这么特别的朋友，很矛盾的行为。一开始你不甘心做朋友，但久了，突然发现这样最好。你宁愿这样关心他，总好过你们在一起之后，有一天会分手。你宁愿做他的朋友，彼此才不会吃醋，才可以真的无所不谈。特别是这样，你还是知道，他会永远关心你。做不成男女朋友，当他心中那个特别的朋友，有什么不好呢？

很多的感情都因为一厢情愿，最后都因为对方一句喜欢你，如果你没反应，这一段友情似乎难以维持下去。这也难怪有些人不敢踏出第一步。因为这就是一场赌注，表白了之后不是成了男女朋友，要不就是连朋友都当不成…呢？

～我是还记得的, I will still remember ～

有几句话，我特别会记得。好奇怪哦：

"冠循，其实，你很弱，若我想把你弄倒，很容易罢了"

"若到一些地步，一起掉进陷井，我也能逃脱，因为那陷井是我自己挖的，我当然知道出路。"

"若有争吵，我要加油加醋，让那火更大一些。"

"2010年，要玩一些手段，要让些人没有了职位，没有了一切"

"我的人是这样的，若我没办法得到，我也不会让别人得到和我一样的东西"

"在中华，我所做的都得一一小心，我才可以逃脱，别人也不会知道是我"

惨了，背书都没那么厉害。

哇佬，你还真厉害咧，好多手段，来了MBS，新地方新生活，但人还是不改。我真的得多多向你学了。谢谢哦

～就这样吧，没关系的～ to someone

哦？你会有心能碎？
哈哈。。。骂你？我哪里敢浪费你的“宝贵”时间?




别忘了一件事，我你都是中华生。你在中华的底，我也不是傻瓜，什么都不知道。你别忘了，我是谁，我在什么团体出身的，是你模不清我，不知道我常做的事。至于你认为你自己没被任何人摸清很光荣。哈哈。“五千”是懒得睬你这些小花样，不是不够你斗，后面班的还比你强的多了。


对！这一次我太相信你了，把一切不该讲的，讲给你听。
愚蠢的我，现在，我胸口的痛会来缠着我了。
自从巧薇离开后，我痛了好一阵子。每晚无法入睡，我必须每晚痛两三个小时,现在又复发。
高兴了吧？你嬴了。我拍手给你


我到死都会记得：“冠循，其实，你很弱，我想把你弄到，一点都不难”…很熟吧这句话？


记得哦，你是看眼识人,看别人想什么…我需要吗？你自己才知道了。


“他把我给他的良心当狗肺。”请问你帮过我什么？


哈。。。你说过什么，你自己知道。你怎样弄到箭头都能指向BOB，你自己知道。这一点，我可要多多学你了。


哈哈。谢谢喔，去年在我和Alice Lim面前说了那么多“故事”
"2010年，我得玩些手段，让某些人失去职位；有吵架的，我就要加油加火，让它火更大"


我读书不行，但这些“废物”我记得的。我是做兵，我带头的，营里的都比你强，你是谁？林志敏，你是不可能摸得清一个人的，你会不会把自己看得太高了吧？哈哈

Grey = ?

I think... i really have changed... but i dono when did i changed...

after my birthday?
after CNY? after Valentine ?

Am i  insane already ? or  .... i cannot be trusted anymore ?

i wish i would have known what monster have i turn into...

i just know one thing... my old pain that everynights haunts me like a ghost... came back... is that a mistake that i study form6 ?

i only feel grey colour around me.... zzz.... no other colours...